Lady Gaga Vector Arena Auckland

You want to be her. You want to fuck her. You want to hold her in your arms forever....

Lady Gaga brought the Born This Way Ball to New Zealand last night and turned the writhing mass into little monsters whether they liked it or not.

There was hardly a body to be seen in the crowd that wasn't coated in sparkling leather, smeared with makeup and topped with elaborate bows (made of hair, plastic flashing lights and willpower).

Then the house lights dropped, the screaming hysteria hit its peak and a castle of your worst nightmares and most fantastical daydreams was revealed. The Lady of the night emerged from the mist atop an enormous armoured unicorn and the spectacle went on to explode and bedazzle for the next two and a half hours.

If you're already enjoyed Prometheus, or are thinking about it, go to Gaga. She's somehow topped the last show she brought to New Zealand. It's terrifying, but you won't want Sigourney Weaver to save you from the monsters.

Gaga sung her heart out, swung from a hook in the infamous meat dress, glided around the stage like the alien lord in Mars Attacks, swung machine guns like she swung her keytar and performed almost-inside a three-wheeled motorbike that later turned into a piano.

Her castle set looked like The Horrors had been commissioned to create a Polly Pocket with Gaga Grandeur. The drummer, guitarists and FULL-CIRCLE keyboard player were revealed when it opened up.

She didn't miss a track on the Born This Way album and pumped claws and bodies high into the air with older favourites 'Bad Romance', 'Just Dance', 'LoveGame', 'Poker Face', 'Alejandro' and 'Paparazzi'.

"Stand the fuck up!" she demanded. "I'm singing Bad Romance!"

Good point.

The big-screen camera locked on a snowy-haired couple who were seated near the stage on the left. She stopped to talk them through the oddities of her show and they soon obeyed - joining rest of the fainting, crying and screaming arena to dance the night away.

She had ecstasy-driven deep and meaningful rambles while wrapped in the arms of her incredible dancers. She expressed her love for EVERYTHING and EVERYONE and encouraged/demanded unity and positivity from the whole crowd. She shared her passion, determination and bold ambition on stage. It was enchanting.

"All that matters is me seeing you fucking smile," she said. Well, I caught myself massaging my cheeks after my face had been locked in a grin for over an hour.

Now I'm practically chained to my office chair for another day, but I'm sporting a shirt that emblazons FREE BITCH! across my chest on Lady Gaga's teeth.

She promised she wouldn't leave it another two years before she returns to our shores again. I suspect the little monsters will have their claws out either way.