ADDED TO THE BILL: Cosmic Psychos (MELB) and Swim Team (MELB)!!!
Cock-a-Cola in conjunction with American Dixpress and McDongalds bring to you Woodcock 2017: T.M.S Sells Out……
After espousing our contrived, childish, pseudo punk, indie bullshit for five years Woodcock has reached a nexus. Are we still the same wide eyed, ‘just happy to be here’, ‘community driven’, staunchly ‘anti profit’ festival we first set out to be Or has 5 years of putting on the same repetitive event, with the same 40 Ramones tribute acts, playing to the same group of slobber drenched, perpetually gurning, drunken retards made us cynical and sad to the point that we question and search for a reason as to why we have invested and wasted so much time, money and energy in helping socially awkward losers like yourselves get drunk/stoned/laid
It’s the latter. We hate you all. But we especially hate ourselves for pandering to you morons. So following the lead of other failed idealists we have outgrown this community spirit, your pithy friendships and supposed morals. Taking heed and value from our new heroes the baby boomers we have elected to do what they in their infinite wallet raping wisdom have guided us to do. Treat our audience with disdain, maximize profits at your expense and to most importantly find the biggest, blackest, corporate dick to wrap our lips around, work the shaft and balls while bringing forth the screams and cries of Woodcock SELLING OUT!!!!!
So welcome to Woodcock 2017, staged at the soon to be developed future location of New Zealands first Trump Hotel and International Golf Resort on what Woodcock regulars may remember as the ‘Mone Family Farm’ at 91 Williams Road North.
- With the guidance of our elite team of data analysts the 18th of February 2017 has been elected the prime date for our targeted demographics music related expenditure.
- Our advertisers have deemed our constant phallic references incredibly juvenile and off putting for the casual attendee thus limiting our ability to increase profitability. Penises will therefore be substituted for product placement. Pertaining to this Woodcock from here in is to be renamed Woodcoke.
- As we now officially have nothing but disdain for the satisfaction of our audience the yearly 20% inflation of Woodcoke ticket prices continues with entry being pushed to $60. Tickets available only on the day and at the door so we can personally subject you to thorough scrutiny over whether you suit the tone of the festival we are trying to present.
- Accordingly we aim to to change our prior attendance ratio of 90% sweaty/smelly/hairy bogan males and only 10% females to a 90% Catwalk model, 8% LGBT community and 2% middle aged movie agents with last names ending in Berg split. All of whom will be comped at the gate after loudly stating that they ‘should be on the guest list’ before heading 900m in the opposite direction from the festival site in order to spend the entire day in the VIP lounge talking on their phones.
- Don’t forget to take our online ‘Whats Cool 2017’ questionnaire so our crack team of market researches can collate your inputted data and then transform your individuality into a homogenised, cheaply packaged yet overpriced version of yourself that you can easily yet somewhat suspiciously digest this February the 18th.
- This year we have selected 40+ musical acts to play over 4 stages. Selection of these acts is no longer based on talent or artistic merit but on something more important…. Indie Buzz…..
Bands playing Woodcocke that NME have called ‘The next big thing’ include:
AUCKLAND DRUG ADDICTION TREATMENT CENTRE presents: Mucus Kids
PAPAKURA GARDEN CENTRE presents: Slumbug
BIG TEDS BUFFALO RANCH presents: Flogging a Dead One Horse Town
FREDS DISCOUNT FUNERAL PARLOUR presents: Edward Gains and the Human Remains
MUSIC WORKS TAURANGA presents: All Hail the Funkillers
MR WANGS ACUPUNTURE CLINIC presents: Opium Eater
UNCLE LUIGIS TRADITIONAL ITALIAN PIZZAS present: Diehards of Deep Dish
BURGER FUEL MT MAUNGANUI doesn’t present: Super Narco Man
DR HYMAN (GYNECOLOGIST MD) presents: The Cants
TACO BELL presents: X-Ray Fiends
GRIFFINS & ARNOTTS present: Biscuits
ROTHSCHILD BANK presents: Arcane
BLACK LIVES MATTER & NASA presents:Black Science
HILTON HOTELS present: Hollywoodfun Downstairs
MURRYS MEDICINAL MARIJUANA presents: Nuggiez
P-MONEY presents: Shoutin’ Preachin’
HOMEBRAND presents: Markdown
THE KINGS ARMS presents: Echo Ohs
NO ONE AT ALL presents: Threat.Meet.Protocol
THE GHOST OF SPACE MONSTER presents: The Pussywhippers
NORWICH OWL SANCTUARY presents: Hiboux
THAMES TOYOTA PRESENTS: The Dicks
WWW.DADS.COM presents: The Monotonics
GENERATION Y presents: Spoonfed
WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION presents: Bloodbags
NZ ON AIR presents: Dead Model
HAMILTON SEXUAL HEALTH CLINIC presents: Battlecat
SAMMYS ARTISAN BREADS presents: Old Loaves
VLADIMIR PUTIN presents: Deathbeam
ADELAIDE CROWS presents: Eugine Funigma
HILLSDENE WINES & SPIRITS presents: M.A Williamson
MIDLIFE CRISIS presents: Liberated Squid
NESCAFE INSTANT COFFEE presents: Here Lies the Homunuculi
MONSANTO & the TPPA presents: The Prophet Motive
JOYO EFFECTS PEDALS presents: Justin Bradford
KOOL-AID presents: Jim Jones and the Peoples Temple
JOHN KEY presents: Gold Medal Famous
CHET ATKINS APPRECIATION SOCIETY presents: Josh Durning
PAUL BLART MALL COP presents The Beatnik Staffs
MRS MILLS ORGANS presents: Pumice
DON CARLOS MEXICAN RESTAURANT presents: Juan Los Bastardos
SYLVESTER STALLONE presents: The Contenders
THE CLICHE DISCOUNT WAREHOUSE presents: Verdant Exudate
IGORS HAUNTED HOUSE presents: Loud Ghost
With a super special big name, Billboard topping, MTV charting, commercially successful headliner to still be named……
